Afraid to be more

I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I couldn't wait to be pregnant and then was one of those total weirdos that once I was pregnant loved it till the end. I find an incomprehensible amount of delight in my girls. Next to Chris, there is absolutely no one I'd rather be with.

Except for when I am with them, there is an internal pulling else where. Not constant, but consistent. A tug-a-war in my spirit.

Another calling.
An unrelenting calling.
A calling I never asked for. In fact a calling that I ran from. Still run from.

And it beckons just the very moment I've resolved to lay it aside and let being Moriah & Karis' mom be enough, be all I focus on. I'll say, "This season is short for being their mom. I don't want to miss a thing. So I shouldn't do anything else right now." And I mean it. Every word, I believe it.

But then I'll hear again verbally from others, written from strangers and whispers in times of reflection with Jesus: "Don't throw this away. Don't ignore this calling. Do something... now."

Insecurity keeps me sequestered.

Insecurity that I would be a horrible mom to not be 100% engaged with my girls 100% of the time. (Which I know is a lie. The perils of being an all or nothing person.)

And insecurity that I'm not worthy to do what I feel called to do. That there are about 10,000 other women out there that want this call and are pursuing it every second of their day.

But I relate to Moses in Exodus 4 when he said to God, "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue."

I was that young girl whose own family made fun of how bad I was at spelling. I was that girl in college who could hardly make announcements at sorority meetings without feelings like passing out. And I am still that girl who doesn't have a clue what the differences are between a comma and semi-colon. 

So how could I be called to write, speak, and lead? 

Yet, still I feel this call to women. To relate to them. To encourage them. To challenge them. To share my life with them. To share my successes and my failures. To have small groups in my home and go to large groups. To push them to love Jesus in an honest way. Uninhibited. Without restraint. Purposefully. Outside of the check list and within relationship. 

I have no clue what it means. I have no clue how this will continue to play out or what it will look like. 

But I'm finally open. 

I'm open to my life looking different than I expected. 

I'm open to being a stay at home mom who also can't deny a call into ministry. Who is even willing to pursue that ministry for the sake of my girls... not forsaking them. 

Because it's suffocating living under the unrealistic expectations and standards that are for someone else. I'm not supposed to live like others. Our callings are each unique to us. 

And there is room for each of us to live out our callings. Even in a world where we feel thousands are already doing "our thing." There is still room for us. Social media can give a false impression that there's not a need. That we aren't good enough. That X already has it covered. Lie. They don't have your calling covered, they have theirs.  

Let's receive the Lord's response back to Moses in Exodus 4:11:

"Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." 

What is fear holding you back from being who you are called to be?