I first heard "Not cancer!" about a month ago.
It's been a whirlwind since then-- more scares, some reliefs, and even more unknowns.
And I'm not OK.
I should be OK because I don't have cancer! But I'm not OK. I'm struggling and I feel so guilty about that. People say to me all the time, "Well at least it's not cancer!" or "At least it's treatable." So I feel like I should feel better. But I don't.
I shared with you when we didn't know if it was cancer or not and my faith was strong. Fear still present but my faith was solid.
So I want to share with you today when it's not so solid because we need to all hear from one another even when things aren't all "God is amazing!!!!!!!" We need to hear from people when what we know is true about God is solid in our minds, but our hearts are struggling to connect to the truths.
(Don't worry, I'm not wallowing in a pit of self-pity. Words are often hard to convey, so please don't read this as melodramatic. I want to be honest with you all in the good and the not so awesome.)
I remember that afternoon after the doctor's appointment going to one of our favorite burger places and writing this on the wall:
It was unreal. Not cancer. I was crazy giddy!
It didn't get old the next day either. Or every little moment of each day following. It would hit me, "not cancer" and I'd be reminded all over again how different that day would've felt had we heard: "You have leukemia."
After a week the adrenaline started to wear off and I've felt a little stuck since then. It's been an unending rollercoaster with my health. Had a second opinion follow up at MD Anderson a couple weeks after. That was sobering walking in there. More ideas from doctors. Then more waiting. Then more unknowns. My heart was and is exhausted.
In the midst of all this was life. Marriage, mommy to 3 young girls, friend, neighbor, etc. I have been mostly sucking at all my roles in life. Oh and during all of this, we were launching Advent with Sacred Holidays. No big deal. Just our biggest and busiest month of the year and all I can think in my head is: "Do I have Cancer? Only Jesus. Lord help me. Replace fear with faith. Your will. Your way. You are enough. Oh crap. Jesus be enough.... (rinse and repeat)."
Chris and I are doing good. I'm not dying. Sacred Holidays is blowing up awesome-- so many lives are a part of this, so many women in prison are joining us.
I should be over joyed, right?
Yet, my heart has been exhausted, finally catching up to my body that's been off for a few months now.
I'm struggling in the unknown. My head and my heart both know all the things-- about God having a plan, that He can heal me, that He is using this, that this can be a good reminder to slow down, etc. I hear the answers in my head and I've heard them from so many as I share my funk with them.
Here's what I'm learning: It's easier to trust God when there is a sense of control or absolutely no control, for me at least. I had no other hope but Jesus a month ago. There was nothing I could do to manipulate or control my numbers on those tests. Nothing. I'm excellent at getting things done, and I could do NOTHING. So trusting God, even with something as scary as leukemia, was easier than this wait of "we just don't know yet but we know these numbers tell us something is going on." The wait, regardless of what it is we are waiting for isn't fun for any of us!
Oh how I wish it was as easy as: sleep more, work out more, drink more water, etc. It's not.
We all find ourselves here often, don't we?
I don't have a pretty way to wrap this up. No answers for you.
Other than my heart and my head still know fully that Jesus is enough for all I'm going through, and whatever it is you are carrying. I also know He will use this for His glory and my good. Those things I find such confidence in!
When I was waiting to hear, "Cancer or Not Cancer," I could not stop reading and praying Isaiah 43. I made this print out and pasted it all over my house. You can get it by clicking the link below. I've customized it for what I was going through, but you can still use it, or make your own. I pray you are as encouraged as I have been reading what He says is true about Himself, us, and our situations of unknown or waiting.
I've been excited about all the studies we've put out with Sacred Holidays, but I'm especially for this years-- He Is: The Attributes of God. This whole study focuses on a different attribute of God each day, and I so need it.
I would love for you to join me! Click the image below to preview the studies.
If money is an issue, go here and we have some discount codes available.