Segue: Finding the One Q&A

Ladies, sorry it took me so long to get to these. I have been super sick lately (just my baby’s way of loving on me).

What is Segue? Click HERE for more info. If you live in San Antonio I can’t encourage you enough to check Segue out! This is a worship service for young adults on Monday nights. They have FREE food before, fabulous worship and phenomenal teachers each week. And best of all, my brother coordinates the whole things, so you know it will be over the top amazing.

Monday, March 1st -- LIVE Q&A: Chris and I are really looking forward to Skyping in tomorrow night for the LIVE Q&A! I can’t wait for y’all to meet him. We are more than honored to be sharing the stage with Nils mentor and his wife who have been married for 60 years! Also, we are going to be writing down all the questions and further responding to them here on the blog for you-- both of us. For more info on how to watch live go here.

Watch it here tomorrow night (Monday, March 1st).

OK, let’s get to your questions!

1. Why do most Christian women tend to marry early? Do you think it has to do with purity?

That’s a really interesting question. I think a lot of my single girlfriends would kindly disagree with you. We tend to see through the lenses of our stage in life. So it might seem that Christians are all getting married young. I don’t know what the actual statistics are-- if Christians really do tend to marry early or not, but I do know that tends to be the perception. And I don’t know why they might marry early. It might be because of purity. And it might be because of different priorities too. I think a lot of Christian women, not all, are really family oriented and not as career driven. Again, note I said a lot not all and I did not say that you can’t be both. So I think that perspective changes time frames.

I will give a warning to marrying early: Marriage is hard enough. I don’t think there is anything wrong with waiting a little while. Financially it is a burden the younger you are. Socially, you change so much in the years just after college. I have seen a lot of friends that got married young have a really hard time. But then again I’ve seen that of friends that waited till later in life have a hard time too. I don’t think it’s so much about the timeline as it is the person. Marriage is a beautiful challenge, regardless of when you start.

Blog Friends: If you married early or know friends that did, why did you choose to marry early?

2. Do you have to go through the beginning in love “crazy” stage, or can you skip to the “comfort” stage?

Again, depends on the person. EVERY person is different, so EVERY relationship will look different. I think even the “crazy love” stage will look different from one person to the next. If you’ve known one another a long time, you might not have that new, warm fuzzy stage. So no, I don’t think you have to go through it. But I would really look at the relationship and make sure it is the right one for you if you aren’t feeling excited about what’s starting. Sometimes we can find ourselves in a relationship we know in our head is right for us but really there is not draw emotionally, physically, etc.

3. How can you tell if you will be physically compatible if you are trying to stay pure?

Good question! This is something I have heard before as an excuse to go further than one should physically. I can tell you that even though Chris and I never crossed the line physically there was NO denying that we were physically compatible. Seriously one of the reason we were so strict is that we wanted to do a lot more than we were allowing ourselves. So you will still be able to tell if you are physically drawn to one another.

Now, to address a different question. From magazines and movies we are told and from experience we learn that different partners are better or worse at things. So we wonder: if we don’t make out or make love will they be any good, will we be any good together? Can I tell you how fun it is to not know?! And then even more fun to spend the rest of your life perfecting it! Listen, ladies, it is not about being the perfect lover and finding the best kisser. It is about finding a man who loves the Lord more than you. On our wedding night, neither Chris or I had a clue what we were doing! But it was one of the best nights of my life... and it keeps getting better! Sorry if that was TMI.

4. How do you separate your hearts desires from your selfish desires?

Lots and lots of prayer! And I would say in addition to that, some really good girl friends. I know I said it when we were together but you have got to have a handful of girls that know you better than yourself and that you have given full access to your life. Be honest with all your doubts and give them permission to speak clarity into your situations. Make sure these are ladies that aren’t just speaking their opinions, but are really pursuing the Lord and love you. With that said, I think you will know in your gut what you are supposed to do.

5. How do you stop comparing your life with other people’s stories?

Just stop! :) I know easier said than done. Our thoughts are a dangerous place! You have got to stop them as they start coming up. Your story is your story. It will be different. And trust me, you want it to be different.

6. Do you feel like your story is realistic for all of us? It sounds so perfect.

No it’s not realistic, because it’s my story. And girlfriend, MY STORY IS NOT PERFECT. You must have missed some of what I’ve said. Chris and I have a good story, not a perfect story, but a good one. But before that, my life was all kinds of messed up crazy, especially when it came to relationships! I think for me it came down to not wanting to settle any more. I wanted to wait for the guy the blew me (and everyone around me) away. Chris did. So you will find your perfect story (not perfect relationship) when you strive for nothing less.

7. How do you move on from the man you love if he is not right for you? My human self wants to stay.

It is hard hard hard! I have been there too, I think most of have. Once you know that this is the wrong boy for you I think the first thing is that you tell your girlfriends that and tell them no matter what not to let you go there. Then you need to do your job to start cutting him out of your life. We all like to think that the Christian loving thing to do is to stay friends. But girlfriend, most of us need to cut him out completely.

So that means get to it:
-Be honest with him. Ask him to not make any measures to contact you.
-Remove him from you Facebook friends. Your stalking days are over.
-Change his name in your phone to: “Do not answer.” Just in case he doesn’t listen to you (which will show that he doesn’t respect you).
-Go ahead and throw or give away anything that reminds you of him. You will not want to still have those things when you get married one day and those things will not bring you comfort.
-Delete those pictures of you and him... or just him from your computer, camera, phone and Facebook. Again, you don’t need to save those. Those memories aren’t something you will want to go through with your future spouse one day, they won’t bring up warm fuzzies.
-Do whatever else you feel like you need to do cut him out.

As always (I’ve decided that I am going to try to do Q&A cards anytime I go speak if it’s an option), you can still submit more questions or ask for clarification on an above question by commenting or emailing me at beckyjkiser@gmail.com.

PLEASE COMMENT!! Friends, family and blog-stalkers (new friends), I am asking that you would comment here if you feel like you have a response (similar or different) for these ladies. I want us to be able to offer them as much perspective as possible. I numbered the questions specifically so you could easily refer to them in your comments.