The Real Me

Sitting in the middle of a cafe listening to these words, against my own will the tears streamed heavy. Chris had just showed me this video, Beauty by Isaac Wimberly, and I can't even tell you how deeply it affected me. 

It's like he read my journal and turned into into a poem. These words literally took my breath away: 

You know me
The real me
The me that I’ve been both chasing and running away from my entire life
So scared that if you were to cut me open with a knife
That disgust and darkness would be the color I would bleed
And that You would be embarrassed that You chose to ransom me
 
Yet that’s the me You know
That’s the me You love

How did he know? How did He know I felt this way? 

It is funny because the closer I grow to the Lord and step further into my calling as a wife, mom, writer, teacher, leader, dreamer... the more I feel like I'm not cut out for any of this. As I see Christ clearer, I also see my own weaknesses clearer

And I struggle to accept the grace and love that He offers. Why do I think that He withholds? 

Because I would withhold from me knowing who I really am-- the real me.

With the same voice that yells at my kids when they fuss too much or disobey too frequent, how could He use that same voice to speak hope to the hopeless and teach truths from His Word to those eager to hear from Him? 

With the same hands that scroll through social media with envy filling my heart, how could He use those hands to write Bible studies that would change lives and draw women into a full and free relationship with Jesus? 

With the same eyes that with judgement see the imperfections in others, how could He use them to look into the eyes of my children, my husband, and all of you who read these words or sit in the audience when I speak and connect with you? 

With the same ears that check out and listen to the lies of the enemy, how could He use them to hear the Spirit's leading to move mountains? 

This poem brought a powerful wave of freedom for me. I choose to proclaim these words: 

So I give up
I give in
And I extend my broken, desperate, calloused skin to touch the edge of Your robe
And even just the fringes brings healing to my soul
For what seems like the first time in my life I see You as beautiful
Wholly, completely enough
No longer am I staring at empty promises painted on pointless portraits
But instead I’m peering into pure love
 
You are better than the things that I’ve been chasing
You are beautiful
You are my joy in the trials that I am facing
You are beautiful
Peace to my storm, stronger than my addiction
Help in my time of need, comfort in my affliction
You are beautiful
And You will forever be
 
So fix my eyes to consistently see 
Cause my mind to constantly think
Give my heart a new song to sing
Fill my lungs so that they always breathe
You
For You are beautiful