The past couple of weeks has been challenging internally for me. Memories haunting. What if's nearly paralyzing me. I feel myself fighting my old ways of entering into "survival mode" of numbing myself, getting my crap together and moving on.
I say old ways, because I've logged a lot of hours on my counselors couch over the years to learn how to stop doing this. Even so it still sneaks up. When things get hard or past hurts become raw, I slip back into the way that feels comfortable.
As I do that I begin to question God and His love. How could He? Where was He?
Today I was reading in 1 John 4 and read these words:
As I read them I felt the Lord speak a message to me:
"X's love wasn't my love. X didn't love me. X couldn't love you. Come. Abide. Know MY love. So you can love others. Chris, the girls, those that you get to teach, love them with a different love than you have known before. Love them with my love. Fear will be cast out and my love will rest."
That sounds so heavy and honestly it has been. Maybe you aren't in a heavy season and this sounds super melodramatic. One thing I can be quite certain of is that heavy seasons give way to joyful seasons and joyful season give way to sad seasons and sad seasons give way to sweet seasons. Not in a way that should cause us to wait of the gauntlet to drop, but in a natural way. Life changes. The hard let's us appreciate the easy. The bitter causes us to know sweet.
The Lord is sweet. He loves. He is love.
Abide in Him. Not past memories. Not current struggles. Him.