The first pregnancy was so different. I honestly never knew if I'd ever be able to get and stay pregnant, so I truly treasured each moment of my pregnancy. I oddly even loved and found a weird comfort in the multi times each day of morning sickness.
But this time it's been so different. I feel this constant struggle to connect with this little life. I know what some of you might be thinking, "You are only 16 1/2 weeks pregnant, give it some time." I know that it can take some time, especially with the second. But I have been having this horrible guilt for not feeling bonded to this one.
And I realized a couple of weeks ago that I haven't been bonding because I've been so afraid of losing this little one.
Since I was 16 years old doctors have told me that I'd more than likely struggle to get pregnant and/or have an increased chance of miscarriage. I have feared infertility and losing a child since that day. You see all I've ever wanted is to be a mom. I've been very open to adopting and would love to also foster one day. But I really wanted to be pregnant too. So I've feared what would happen when we started "trying" (which is such a silly word).
Our process of trying was easy. Too easy. How does someone who has been told by multiple medical professionals all her life that it would be a challenge, get pregnant the first month both times. So I knew that it couldn't be this (seemingly) easy for me. While I've never technically had infertility, I feel like I've been in that club for 14 years as I expected, feared, mourned and prayed against it being my journey.
So when I was 5 weeks along in this pregnancy and the bleeding started I started pulling away. I prayed and trusted God with this life. But I found myself disconnecting from our baby. The excitement was quickly replaced with guarded walls.
For 6 more weeks I was on limited activity and I felt myself slipping further into disconnection. My soul knew that God’s will for this baby’s life was best, both for it and us. I knew He knew all it’s days. But my heart hurt and feared that my greatest fears were becoming a reality.
I feared every trip to the bathroom. I feared every ultrasound. I feared.
Then at 10 weeks my doctor gave me the best news: “You’ve reached every hurdle, while you will never have zero risk in pregnancy, you are as out of the woods as you can be.”
My baby was going to make it. Yet I still feared the worst.
I prayed and prayed begging God to help me bond, to help me connect. Nothing.
Then one day the Lord gave me the sweetest gift. This picture:
Sweet Baby Kiser #2
The nurse worked hard to get this exact picture y’all. This baby of mine was not moving for us that day. So she got me juice, had me move all around and pushed on my belly. I was there for genetic testing but she insisted on getting me a profile pic.
She had no clue how I needed this picture.
That day I finally connected.
That sweet face looked straight at me. And that thing that looks like Pinocchio’s nose is the baby’s hand waving. As if to say, “Hi mom! I’m here. I’m fine. See you in a few months.”
I stare into those sweet alien eyes so many times a day now. And I dream and I wonder and I wish and I pray. And finally, I connect.