Karis has learned what fear is now.
We were at a birthday party and a balloon was hanging right next to her and it scared her. She started whimpering and grasped on to me for dear life. Any time that balloon came near her she did it again. (Which is a sad reality because I dearly love balloons.)
How did that happen? She is only 8 1/2 months old and my baby girl already knows fear. How did she learn that she should be afraid of something?
It has made me think a lot the past few days about fear. About the fears that I have.
My silliest fear is that of cotton. In case you are wondering there is an actual term for it: bambakophobia. (Do you think less of me now that I told you?) When I ran a summer camp at our church my staff (primarily college students) would think it was funny to chase me around with cotton and hide them at different places. And Chris thinks it's funny to try to make me pull out the cotton of medicine bottles.
I so wish my fears stopped at cotton. Because in a world of textiles and polyster "cotton" balls and cutips, you can pretty much stay away from it.
But my other fears, I can't escape. (Can I just be real with you for a moment?)
Will I be able to have another baby again? Yes I had Karis but she was a miracle. I still have my health issues. I still have the same odds
What if Karis gets sick, like really sick? What if something happened to her?
What if something happened to Chris?
What if something happened to me and I couldn't be there for both of them?
How would I survive this?
I know the Lord has called me to a unique calling to women, but what if I fall flat on my face? What if He realizes He picked the wrong person? What if I fail? What if I disappoint? What if I can't connect?
I don't have these thoughts every day. But I have them. Often time they sneak up on me without me even realizing it.
Listen, I know in my head, and even in my heart, that God is in control. I know He works all things together for good (Romans 8:28). I know that His ways are higher... and greater (Isaiah 55:8-9). But there are days where, like Karis and that balloon, the "What if..." before me seems like I wouldn't be able to survive it.
What about you? What do you have a fear of? How do you deal with it?